Are you in search of your soul mate, yet no-one comes close to what you’re looking for? Does it feel like your perfect match is hiding under a rock? If you change this one thing, I guarantee you will find love.
Expectations: The mother of all…
Yes, that’s right: You need to let go of your expectations. Most of your expectations around dating, relationships and the opposite sex are buried deep within your subconscious and drives your behaviour. The history of your expectations goes way back. They start developing at childhood, are affected by past relationships and modern media plays a vital role in this mix too.
Is it fair to judge an individual person based on criteria you have predetermined, influenced by your own past? Sounds a bit egotistical doesn’t it? How would you feel about being evaluated in that way by a first date?
Use physical appearance as an example. How many times have you rejected the idea of romantic potential based on what you see? Here’s why you’re being short sighted:
Attraction is defined by more than the physical
Attraction isn’t a look. It comprises an entire human being that is made up of many layers including personality, character, values, background, thoughts, intelligence, energy, etc. Have you ever spoken to a person and realised that the more you get to know them, the more attractive he or she becomes?
This holds true in the reverse too: Ever meet someone drop dead gorgeous that took your breath away? Ask yourself what this person has done to deserve looking so scrumptious? Absolutely nothing! No-one ever said life’s fair, but why give attractive people so much power based on the way they look? If I told you this same person has 3 children with 5 different partners, is a recreational drug user and will need to borrow your car on a regular basis… How attractive do they seem now?
Dating is a numbers game
I know you hate hearing this but the more dates you go on, the better your chances of success. If you’re declining to meet with 50% of the dateable base (based on your expectations of who you will and won’t date), then your chances of meeting an amazing person to spend the rest of your life with becomes 50% less. To date more successfully, you have to increase your potential dating pool and be open to new experiences.
I am not saying you need to go on endless soul destroying date after date with people you have nothing in common. That’s exhausting. Make sure there is some form of compatibility before arranging a first date.
The first date isn’t a commitment to anything. It’s just a meeting between two grown-ups to determine whether you get along. Nothing more. Nothing less. Treat each person you meet as a potential opportunity without pre-defining what this opportunity is. Once you start dating with a mind-set of opportunity, guess what? Opportunity comes knocking your way.
Physical attraction is a short term predictor of relationship success
What is physical attraction based on? Visually pleasing physical features. Sexual desirability. Let’s just call it what it is: LUST. A primal, almost animal like attraction that awakens you all over. There’s no logic involved.
This is a recipe for disaster. A great indicator of short term relationship success if that’s what you’re looking for. In the longer term you need more than physical attraction to last a lifetime. When your dopamine levels return back to normal and life happens, compatibility is the glue that will keep you together.
Compatibility will outweigh looks if you give it a chance
A research study conducted by the university of Texas found that couples who took the time to get to know each other before they started dating were less likely to be matched on physical features. The study found that physical attraction became less important as people got to know each other. It’s fair to conclude that individuals who got to know each other first matched on compatibility more than physical attraction.
This proves that attraction can grow over time provided you are prepared to give it a go. Whether a person is attractive has a whole lot more to do with the entirety of that person, rather than how they look.
Is dating someone unattractive the way to go then?
Certainly not! You need to be attracted to your partner to keep the flame alive in years to come. If we were to use a 10 point rating scale, physical attraction can be as low as a 6/10 whereas compatibility must never be lower than 8/10. You’ve probably been doing it the other way around.
When you are too focussed on finding a love interest who is physically attractive you may overlook someone who could be an ideal partner for you in every other way. I suggest going on a minimum of 4 dates before making a final decision about romantic potential. You may be missing out on your perfect partner and dream relationship because you are closed off to the idea of meeting (and getting to know) people that don’t fit your expectations.
It’s time you start doing things differently in order to get a different result. You have nothing to lose, why not give it a try and let me know how things change for you.
Your Love Coach