Are you fumbling in the dark when it comes to choosing the right partner for you? There is so much bad dating advice out there at the moment. Perhaps you’re confused about whom exactly and what type of person you should be dating? It's natural to be afraid of making the wrong relationship choices only to find yourself single again.
If you want your next relationship to be your last one, then by all means keep reading this dating advice.
My next statement is probably going to take you by surprise but just hear me out ok? You don’t just know if someone is right for you.
This may be true for other people you know who are in a relationship already. For you on the other hand trusting your gut feeling or going with your intuition hasn’t worked in the past and is more than likely not going to work any time soon.
I totally get it. You are successful in all other areas of your life because you have trusted your intuition. In this one area of your life your gut feeling is not the way to go. By reasoning of Mr Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity, you need to start doing things differently in order to get a different result.
If not my intuition, then what?
You can start by making conscious partner choices. It’s about thinking about what you’re thinking about when you start falling for a new romantic interest. Your subconscious mind is programmed to be attracted to a certain type of person. Fundamentally your programming is more than likely flawed.
I doubt that we truly understand how much our past (childhood experiences) impacts our future, specifically referring to the relationship decisions we make.
You’ve probably experienced this when meeting someone new: It just feels right! You feel comfortable with this person even though you’ve just met him / her. There’s a connection. You call it chemistry because it’s something that you can’t necessarily explain.
I call it Familiar Chemistry. There are 3 types of chemistry but for the purposes of this article, let’s just focus on Familiar Chemistry for now.
Run for the hills when…
Some good dating advice: If you are finding that your relationships tend to follow the same pattern, Familiar Chemistry should sound a huge red flag for you. In reality what is really going on is that your subconscious mind is playing tricks on you.
Without realising it, you are trying to recreate your past as this feels familiar and more comfortable. Let’s say for example, you grew up with an absent parent. Initially you are going to be attracted to a partner who is emotionally unavailable because it will feel familiar.
Subconsciously you are selecting a partner that helps you recreate your past in an effort to change the outcome or to meet a need that wasn’t met in your childhood. Even though the chemistry feels right, that doesn’t mean this is a good relationship for you to be in. What you are trying to do is get what you didn’t get as a child, from a person who is exactly like the person who couldn’t give you what you needed in the first place. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Let me elaborate with a real life example:
My client *Sheryl was telling me about a date she had the previous evening. Although he was ‘very nice’ and a ‘gentleman’, she told me that he just wasn’t her type. I probed a little further: “Did you find him to be unattractive?” She answered. “He is handsome, but there’s just no chemistry.” Upon investigating Sheryl’s relationship pattern we identified that she was attracted to the typical ‘bad boy’ type. Men who treated her less than desirably. And this guy, let’s call him *Albert was probably as good as they get: Successful, well educated, family oriented, respectful and emotionally available. So yes, he wasn’t her type at all but it stands to reason that her ‘type’ wasn’t getting her anywhere fast. Upon some further coaching she decided to give him another chance and went on a couple more dates. The last I heard they were engaged and the rest is as they say history.
*Names have been changed to ensure anonymity
Having a relationship patterns isn’t a problem, provided it leads to a loving and satisfying relationship. The tricky part is when you are in a situation where you’re deciding whether this person is worth getting to know any better. Gaining perspective when those love hormones are flooding your brain is difficult, but it can be done. The 1st step is not to trust your instinct. The 2nd is to identify your relationship pattern and then only can you start creating radical change.
Don’t accept familiar pain and discomfort as your relationship standard. You are worth so much more and you deserve to be happy in life!
If you are tired of repeating the same relationship pattern in your love life, perhaps it is time to identify this pattern. That way you can take the necessary steps to change it and finally change the status of your love life once and for all.